Why I Decided to Abstain from Sex


By: Cher

Himg_1122ave you ever had the feeling of being unfulfilled? I know I have. Within the last few years, what I thought was fulfilling my desires and needs, just wasn’t doing it anymore. Instead, I became an empty hole that kept getting dug deeper and deeper, but never filling up. What I thought I needed to fill this gap was to stay busy and one of the ways I stayed busy was sex. Not tons of it, but just normal casual sex. However, even sex wasn’t helping me feel fulfilled. And before you think I was out here “hoeing around” I wasn’t, I was just having casual sex, not random hook-ups or one-night stands. No judgement over here for those who do, but I wasn’t doing all that. But having casual sex was becoming boring and useless to me. You are probably thinking, “You wasn’t getting it right?” Yes, I was, but mentally I wanted something more and that wasn’t it. Because I wasn’t mentally here for it, I decided to cut it off… completely. That’s right, for more than a year, I have abstained from sex.

I remember telling one of my friends, “I haven’t had sex in more than a year.”  Her response was “Why? Ugh, I couldn’t do that.” I chuckled. Another friend said, “You playin! … “Are you serious?!?!”  I told her, “Yes, I am serious!” They couldn’t believe it, out of my small group of select friends, I am known as the crazy, fun friend who is never afraid to talk about my sexual experiences and share my stories.  I felt relieved to say it. At first, no lie, I was embarrassed, like I wasn’t out here getting any play. But then I felt more comfortable when I would say it more or tell my friends. Let me tell you more about why I choose to abstain.

  1. The Feeling: I didn’t like the way I felt. I mean I like sex, but I as I mentioned before I wasn’t feeling fulfilled. It was like I wanted more. Not more sex, but more from it. And I knew what I wanted… I wanted a relationship. The person(s) who I was having sex with were individual(s) I could not see myself being with. They had one purpose and that purpose was to fuel up this tank so my engine could continue to run, and I could go about my day. They were not individual(s) I wanted to be with long-term. As a person who wanted a relationship, this was becoming more of an interference with my goals. Have you ever had an “uh-oh” moment and at that moment you start to have futurist thoughts of you and that person and what your life will look like? It changes your whole mindset, especially if it isn’t with the person you want to be with.


  1. Patience in Waiting: You know that saying “Good things come to those that wait.” I took that saying literally. As mentioned before, I want to be in relationship, and I want that relationship to be my last relationship. Being married before, I know more about what I want and don’t want in a man. I settled before and I refuse to settle again. Not being distracted by having sex has allowed me to explore my needs and wants more. I feel like even though I was not going to pursue a relationship from those individual(s), I still felt like I was being distracted from the blessings that are coming my way. By abstaining, I needed this clarity to help me see what I need in my life.


  1. My Worth: I started to realize more of my worth. I knew what we each wanted from one another and I didn’t want it anymore. Let me give you an example on one, I recently went out with a guy and we had dinner and drinks. The night was good. We were vibin’ and had some good convo. Later in the night, he hit me with the “you want to go back to my place?” I thought about it, because you already know what that means. But I decided against it, I was sticking to my no sex until my blessing of a man comes, and I knew he was not my blessing. Once it was time to go and the check came, he stared at it. Like legit stared at it for 5 minutes. I thought to myself, fuck it I will pay for my portion! And I did just that, pulled out my money for drinks and a tip and laid it on the table. Then, he had the audacity to ask if the check can be split. So now you know what is going through my mind “1) I can add 2) you invited me out and 3) I wonder if I would’ve said yes to going home with you, would you have paid?” All the way, 100 percent wack! I knew at the moment he will never hear from me again and that my time was wasted. I know my value and it didn’t increase based on someone’s inability to see my worth.


There are more, but this pretty much sums up my top three reasons why. I could go all day talking about this, but it will turn into how dating has changed and when did it become cool to send dick pics when you meet someone, but I will save those for another day. As I get older, I have learned to focus on my happiness and desires. I know my worth and I’ve added tax to it!

Love life and full of smiles!


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  1. Good for you for putting your needs first and discarding of the riff raff not worthy of your time and energy. Self love is the best kind of love anyway…pun intended 😀 Thanks for sharing your experience.

    “True love ain’t something you can buy yourself.
    True love finally happens when you by yourself.
    So if you by yourself, then go and buy yourself
    Another round from the bottle on the higher shelf.”-Lizzo

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